Joke Of The Day

[April]

They may be old, you could have heard them hundreds of times, or the punch lines make you groan because they are more silly than funny, but there are hundreds of sites around the web dedicated to Jokes Of The Day...

So do a search, find a funny and share your Joke Of The Day!

219521

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 17th June 2014


A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try
startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol
and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.
The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my
face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 18th June 2014


A zookeeper was making his rounds one day when he noticed the female gorilla was very
agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years, he recognized she was in heat.

The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated, so he began contacting other
zoo's in the area asking if they had a male gorilla. After many days with no luck, and the
female gorilla getting more frustrated, he decided to try his last option. So he tracks down
the janitor of the zoo and says to him

"Steve, I have to ask you a big favor... I need you to have sex with the female gorilla.
It's worth 2000 dollars."

The janitor agrees so long as three conditions are met.

"The first condition..." says the janitor "is that no one can ever know."

"Second... I don't have to kiss her."

"Finally... I'll need some time to get the 2000 dollars."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 19th June 2014


A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only
her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the
husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 20th June 2014


A Little Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on
the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and
said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "weenie".

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid
of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 21st June 2014


Timing Is Everything


A cop was patrolling late one night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane."
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young
man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a
young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on
the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window ... Uh, yes, officer?

What are you doing?

Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir .."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And her,
what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. alone, in a car, at night ... in
a lovers' lane . and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 21, sir..."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch; and then replies:

.
.
.
.
.

"She'll be 18 in 20 minutes ..."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 21st June 2014


My Wife's Arse


George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high
stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave.

As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who
had cleaned him out.

As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically,

"Your head feels just like my wife's arse."

Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 21st June 2014


Will You Watch?

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do
for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we
can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn
charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back
from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 22nd June 2014


Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The
other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the
other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 23rd June 2014


The Wrestling Match


Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed
down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now
don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match
because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in
this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the
Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in
his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The
trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's
back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him,
getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks,
"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but
at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my
face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out
my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own balls!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 24th June 2014


The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

"That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no
more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage,
and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous
woman.

"Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 25th June 2014


A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.

The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection;
in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of
their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralysed with shock, his
young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two
aliens as they took off.

Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"...

Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working
here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means' Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 26th June 2014


When Cathy was ready to check out and pay for her groceries the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so she could complain to her local MP about this
unnecessary security rubbish, she did just as she was instructed.

After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, she found out the cashier
was referring to how she should position her credit card.

Nonetheless, Cathy has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 27th June 2014



Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to
go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My
beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 28th June 2014


I'm in the Shit!!!

Several days ago, as I left a meeting, I desperately gave myself a personal
Search looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search
in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left
them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My missus had scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that
the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying
conclusion! Her theory was right, the car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had
left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered (I always call her "My Love" in times like these)
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence and I thought the call had disconnected, but then
she spoke and in that sweet (sarcastic, demeaning denigrating and condescending)
voice only she has, she said: "but I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent.

Embarrassed, I said, "Well, can you come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your
bloody car."

And these are the Golden Years?

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 29th June 2014


US Customs: "Hello sir, do you have anything in your luggage which may be used as a weapon?"

MacGyver: ".......Fuck"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 29th June 2014


Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They
rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for
lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and
boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University
she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in
a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends
drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to
become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading
financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey
stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables
and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side,
on his erect penis.

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in
a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and
Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham.
They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 30th June 2014


Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They
rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for
lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and
boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University
she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in
a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends
drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to
become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading
financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey
stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables
and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side,
on his erect penis.

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in
a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and
Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham.
They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[niteowluk2003]

Ha ha...

Have you heard the one about the three old ladies discussing their husbands.

There are three old ladies that meet at the local Darby & Joan club and realise that they had been friends a long time ago.

As they discuss their lives, talk naturally turns to their husbands.
Being rather risky Jenny says "My husband is like a Rolls Royce when making love!"
How do you mean the other two enquire.
"Well he's sleek and purrs as his smooth moves are sheer comfort!" She responds.

Elsie then chips in, "well in that case my old man would be like a Jaguar car!"
How so, asks the others.
"He loves speed and its a thrill a minute!" Elsie retorts.
Grace looks down at the floor. "come on Grace what about your old man?" the other two prompt.
Finally Grace says , "Well if its comparison to cars than my old man is like an Austin A40!"
Shocked the other two look at each other then Jenny asks why.
"Neither comfortable nor fast and you have to start him by hand!"

[April]

hahaha... Thanks niteowluk :biggrin:

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 1st July 2014


A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze.

The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently.

The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff.

The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir."

"Then you are not old enough" the grandfather snapped back.

A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip.

The boy asked if he could try the beer.

The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir."

Grandpa huffed. "Then you are not old enough."

The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play.

An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies.

The grandfather asked the boy, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa laughed. "Hell yeah, my dick can touch my ass."

The boy smirked. "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 2nd July 2014


A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 2nd July 2014


A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What’s the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
impressively long. "Well," she said. "That’s quite impressive, but it’s still
pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
forehead and pulling my ears all night."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 3rd July 2014


One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when
we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the
meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg
stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they
get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says
"you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 3rd July 2014


One day grandpa says to grandma "Why don’t we go to the motel like we used to do when
we were young and get kinky?"

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up. In the
meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed. She decides to do some leg
stretches to limber up ( it’s been awhile ). Well she throws her legs over her head and they
get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way. "My God woman" he says
"you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 4th July 2014


A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and
offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the
habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and
after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from
her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth
time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he
arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO
FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a
great opportunity.

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 5th July 2014


Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?

A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 6th July 2014


One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when
suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick, since no one was
around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor

"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"

Bob asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"

The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do"

So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain

"So what did the doctor say?"

Bob says "Doctor said your gonna die"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 6th July 2014


One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when
suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick, since no one was
around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor

"Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis"

the doctor told him "Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself"

Bob asked "Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom"

The doctor says "Sorry theres nothing we can do"

So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain

"So what did the doctor say?"

Bob says "Doctor said your gonna die"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 7th July 2014


Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says,

"You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up
today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and
spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over
the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and
ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried,
I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with
butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says,

"I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came
across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently
lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.
Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you
get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend eating his meal,

"I couldn't find her head."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 8th July 2014


On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,

"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 9th July 2014


A woman walks into a bar, and guy says, "Can I buy you a drink."

"Sure," said the woman.

After a few moments of conversing she finally asked,

"So what’s your occupation?"

He says "I’m a Carpenter." ....

"To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman.

The man states: "Well, I actually work extensively with Wood."

"1st, I get you Hammered."
"next, I Nail You"
"then, I Screw all your friends."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 10th July 2014


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man."

"I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I’ll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here..."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 11th July 2014


Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house.

They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers.

The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she
arranged their requests.

She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn’t matter
what type of women they used.

She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.

The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.

The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other

"last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the
girl to make her move and she never did!"

The other man said to his friend

"that’s nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on
her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 12th July 2014


A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally
manages to say,

"Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician,
"They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!
You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug
is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife
think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 13th July 2014


Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles
of Borneo.

The cannibal chief says to them, "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live.
Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit."

So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10
apples. The Chief explains the trial to him,

"You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or
you will be eaten."

The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was
promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).

Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well.
Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But
on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks,

"Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

Dick replied,

"I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 14th July 2014


There were three guys, Bill, John and Gary. They traveled all the way to the top
of a mountain because there was a rumor of an old legend that if you climbed to
the top of this one mountain you could jump off and have any wish you would like.

So when they finally reached the top John said to Bill:

"Ummm...hey you know you were the one who made this possible so whay don't
you go first? heh heh" he said because he didn't think it would work.

"No thats okay you can go first John" Bill said pushing John off the side of a mountain.

"AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"John yelled.

"Quick make a wish Johnny-Boy!" Gary yelled out.

"I-...I WISH I WAS AN EAGLE!" John screamed as he suprisingly turned into an eagle
before their eyes.

"YEAH!!! I'm an eagle! awsome...ummmmm...okay uh now how do you fly this thing?"

he asked himself as he flew into a wall. The other two started to laugh.

"Okay my turn!"Gary said. "hmmmmm..."

He jumped off and said "I wish I could be a bat" as he started to look at the sun. "Aaghh
I'm blind! I'm blind!"

"Stupid..."Bill said laughing. "Okay..." He started to ponder when he slipped and fell off
the side of the mountain. "OH CRAP!!!" When he landed, he turned into a pile of crap.

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 15th July 2014


A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket, can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out
of nowhere!"

[milker]

all were great

[April]

Glad you enjoyed them milker, thanks for posting :encouragement:

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 29th July 2014


The Obedient Wife'

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and
was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...

'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died,
she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there -
dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the
wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it
away.

So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with
your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,

'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I
was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.'I got it all together, put it into my account, and
wrote him a cheque.....If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 30th July 2014


Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply
for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for
new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree
and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able
to abstain for two weeks.

"No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church."

He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two
weeks.

"It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to
sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the
church."

He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two
weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching
for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick
it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore
either."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 30th July 2014


Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his
hand.

When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do
you have in your hand?"

So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared
away."

He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared
away."

He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad
came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared
away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"

Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!"

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 3rd August 2014


Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars
and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The
pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two
thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 6th August 2014

A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

[April]

My Joke Of The Day - 8th August 2014

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his
Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his
Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[April]

Why did the sperm cross the road?







.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

HINT: select all text to see the answer ;)

[April]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[April]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,

"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."