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April's Ramblings

Broken

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Earlier today, I took a few spare minutes to read back through my past Blog entries while I was trying to arrange my thoughts to once again share a little of myself with you all again.

It has been a good few years, a few too many years since I have added anything here and I think it may be time to reacquaint myself with you all again.

Why? Because I am not the same person I was 4 years ago when I decided to confess my sins, I am not the same person who was hurt by games people were playingÖ because 4 years later, I am a broken version of myself.

I find myself a hardened person these days, and sadly I need to be. Emotionally I am too raw to deal with conflict, I try to stand up for myself only to back down from the fight because I am unable to deal with it, or otherís egos, self-importance or self-entitlement. I am regularly unable to handle day-to-day stresses and the pressures from others and I canít handle the double standards or the different sets of rules for everyone.

Right now I am a ball of inner turmoil, of sadness and of mourning for what I have lost and I am hiding in the shadows of the person I once was. Dealing with ones own mortality changes a person, and not in ways other people seem to like or appreciate. Ways that they donít mind beating you up with either.

Reading back through my Blog entries, I laugh at the promises I made myself about not being used as a pawn in other peopleís games, or allowing myself to be belittled and guilted into what others want me to be, because I am still allowing it to happen.

I am not sure why I do it Ė at home with my Husband, I am an equal but it seems once I leave home or deal with anyone but him I immediately submit to please those around me. I canít do it anymore, for my own sanity I canít be treated or used like that and I donít want to feel guilt anymore for not agreeing with everything everybody says. I want to be able to stand up for myself without worrying about disagreeing with those who think they are above me and know better than I do, and give no thought to the way they treat me, because they are up so high on their horse they think they are always the ones who are right. I just canít do it anymore.

Which is why I think I find myself hardened and closed off. I feel like I need to protect what little I still have while I try to rebuild whatís left of me. I have never thought of myself as a fragile person, but right now that is what I am and I hate it. Not just because I feel that I donít have the strength to keep fighting, or because I feel some says like there is no point in fighting, but I hate that the fragility is so easily seen by those around me, and that some of them see that vulnerability and use it as a stick to beat me down further.

I could go on and on, but I wonít. Iím not really up to dealing with the shit so much these days Ė I just want things to be uncomplicated and without the agenda that everyone seems to have hidden under everything. I would like the weight of everybody else thoughts and feelings off my shoulders so that I can deal with my own.

This may sound a little selfish Ė but I want to be something like the person I once was.

If you made it to the end, thank you and I promise that my next Blog will be a bit more confessional type fun ;)

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Comments

  1. Marlene38EE's Avatar
    ((HUG)) Sincerely, and with all the warmth I can give. Just that, simple, uncomplicated. :)
  2. April's Avatar
    Thank you Marlene, it's all a person needs sometimes :)
  3. Marlene38EE's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by April
    Thank you Marlene, it's all a person needs sometimes :)
    You're very welcome, and I know. :)
  4. groomleader's Avatar
    Personally, I was somewhat like that, being very agreeable, able to go along, but no more.
    I stand up and tell people to fuck off if they try and fuck with me. I'm old enough that I don't have to take shit from anybody, and if it makes me hardened, too fucking bad for them. They can go and get fucked by their high horse, for all I care.
  5. Marlene38EE's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by groomleader
    Personally, I was somewhat like that, being very agreeable, able to go along, but no more.
    I stand up and tell people to fuck off if they try and fuck with me. I'm old enough that I don't have to take shit from anybody, and if it makes me hardened, too fucking bad for them. They can go and get fucked by their high horse, for all I care.
    The world is like that, and some hardening is necessary...thing is to remember to know when to leave the armor off so you don't close-out those who love you. All too easy to forget that.